LuLu12 has written an article on eHow called, How to deal with a daughter in law from Hell (DILFH). She suggest in one of her comments that someone should write a book titled, “Walking on Eggshells.” This is not a book but I would like to touch and expand on the article and comments. I would also like to hear suggestions or solutions to this problem.
My wife and I have been walking on eggshells for years and finally had to let go. The stress of it just became overwhelming. In the beginning I thought, how could this be happening? I thought we had a good relationship with our son and we both thought that he would never let anything come between us. We were obviously wrong.
If you have taken the time to read the article and comments at the link above you saw that the author only mentions daughter in laws (DIL) and mother in laws, but I can assure you that father in laws and other family members are just as much a target of the DILFH. The comments from the linked article really tell the whole story and it is refreshing to find that we are not alone. It doesn’t make it any easier to cope or deal with because it’s like a death in the family, but knowing we are not alone helps. The loss of a son is never easy to deal with and it is something that you never fully get over.
I’ve come up with a five-stage separation process that DILFH goes through to separate you from your son and grandchildren:
Stage One
This first stage should be called, laying the groundwork. You think everything is fine and you are completely unaware that the ultimate goal of the DILFH is to separate your son from his family and friends. After all, brainwashing takes time and your son has to be convinced that he had the worse parents and upbringing in the world. She will start by tell him that his sister or brother was really the favorite in the family. She will make him think that he was picked on or didn’t have what his friends had. At this point, anything that your son brings up is used as a weapon to convince him of the terrible family he has.
Stage Two
You will start to see less of your son. The DILFH will not let him out of her sight and will follow his every move. If he had friends, he doesn’t now. The only friends he has now are her friends. He is now seeing her family more than he sees his and if you call him, you are calling too much, and if you don’t, you don’t care or are not interested in whatever it is that they are doing. At this stage, you may start to see some anger toward you from your DIL. Your son doesn’t speak up to defend you because he now is starting to see things through her eyes. Maybe she is right and you, the son’s parents, really are bad.
Stage Three
This is where you are confronted with the issue; it’s the all out, knock down fight, or the call in the middle of the night telling you how bad you are. She has finally convinced your son that you are no good and you hate her. Even though you have done everything you can think of to get on her good side nothing you do is right. You know her likes and dislikes, yet you continue to do things that she doesn’t like. At this stage, you are walking on eggshells and anything you do is criticized.
Stage Four
You feel like you’re the worse parents in the world. She has finally convinced you that you are the problem. You feel so bad and the guilt is overwhelming. You are probably grandparents at this stage and not only has your DIL alienated your son from you, you are starting to see the same thing happening with your grandchildren. By this time, if your son had siblings, they and their families are no longer speaking to your son and DIL. You are just hanging on because you really want to be a part of your grandchildren’s lives.
Stage Five
Your DIL has finally convinced your son that they need to move. She may use the excuse that jobs or schools are better in the new location. Her ultimate goal to have your son all to herself has almost been realized and she is just waiting to deliver the final blow. Any and everything you do or don’t do will be use as ammunition to deliver the deathblow, i.e. complete separation.
If you have a DILFH, please know that you are not alone and it is not your fault. It has taken a long time and we are still not over the pain. Reconciliation is probably not an option if you have gone through all five stages. You may have even gone through Stage Three a number of times at this point. I suppose that some type of family counseling may help. If anyone has gone through this type of problem and has sought counseling, I would love to hear the outcome.
Larry
