Life’s Curveballs

There are no do-overs in life is a common phase we often hear when referring to life. I think about this often now that I’m in my 50s and looking back. There are many things that I wish that I could do-over, but during my early childhood no one could tell me anything and if I were told, I wouldn’t believe. We are invincible and everything our parents or elders told us was bunk. We have to experience it before we believe it and then it’s too late.

I wish that I had applied myself in school. I wasted much of my school years by doing nothing. Things have turned out for me better than anyone would have expected but much of it was luck, and it took much longer than it should have. I should have forced myself to be more outgoing and taken advantage of all the activities and opportunities that were available. Take full advantage of your school years for they are so precious.

I wish that I had savored some special moments a little longer. We only have a handful of special moments and I wish now that I had spent more time in them. Things like birthdays, Christmas mornings, that first kiss, and walks on the beach. Today more that ever we need to slow down and savor the moment. We do everything at high speed. We have high speed Internet, instant messaging, instant email, and want everything this instant. Life is short so savor the special moments.

I wish that I had been more of a leader than a follower. I was too easily led. Not that I did things that were really bad but I let people influence me to do things that, as it turned out I didn’t like. I wasted a lot of time doing things that didn’t improve me. Listen to your own heart.

I wish I had learned to let go of people and relationships sooner. When you first meet someone, you don’t know if the relationship will be a good one or not. Some relationships will never work and can be harmful to you in the end. Being able to recognize bad relationships and ending them sooner will be healthier for you in the end. Ask yourself if this is right for you and listen if the answer is no.

There are no do-overs in life so all that you can do is start fresh from this moment forward. With all of my flaws and shortcomings, I’m moving on from here.

Larry

Blessed is the man who expects nothing, for he shall never be disappointed.
~ Alexander Pope

This quote is so true. If you think back to the times you were disappointed with someone, you will likely find that the problem lies with your psyche and had nothing to do with the other person. We expect someone to act or behave as we would in a certain situation and when they don’t we get distressed or upset. We assume that they will think and feel as we would in a similar situation and we expect them to behave accordingly.

I have to admit that I’ve had this problem myself from time to time. Knowing it is my expectations that the other person is not living up to doesn’t make it any easier to deal with but we just have to get over it. We need to realize that people don’t feel the same way that we do and we can’t expect them to act as we would.

Expectations are Relationship Killers

It takes work to be in a long-term relationship and the best relationships are ones where expectations are very small. A good relationship with a spouse or family member will only work in a partnership where each person is working in service toward the other with no expectation of anything in return. Nothing will kill a relationship faster than a partner who keeps a mental score card so that he or she can remind the partner of what they did or didn’t do.

The cornerstones of the best relationships are ones where we sever another without regard of our own personal gain. Unconditional service is unconditional love!¹

Larry

Why is the evangelical right, including Dr. James Dobson, not getting behind John McCain for president? I know that McCain has problems with Christian Conservatives, but not voting for the presumptive Republican nominee is a vote for Obama. Do we really want an ultra far left President in the White House with an obvious democratic majority in the House and Senate?

It’s time for independents and people who call themselves republicans to get behind McCain or we are in for big surprises come January. Sure, there may be some problems with John McCain but look at the alternative. It scares the hell out of me.

Wake up people! We only have two options and one is extremely bad.

Larry

LuLu12 has written an article on eHow called, How to deal with a daughter in law from Hell (DILFH). She suggest in one of her comments that someone should write a book titled, “Walking on Eggshells.” This is not a book but I would like to touch and expand on the article and comments. I would also like to hear suggestions or solutions to this problem.

My wife and I have been walking on eggshells for years and finally had to let go. The stress of it just became overwhelming. In the beginning I thought, how could this be happening? I thought we had a good relationship with our son and we both thought that he would never let anything come between us. We were obviously wrong.

If you have taken the time to read the article and comments at the link above you saw that the author only mentions daughter in laws (DIL) and mother in laws, but I can assure you that father in laws and other family members are just as much a target of the DILFH. The comments from the linked article really tell the whole story and it is refreshing to find that we are not alone. It doesn’t make it any easier to cope or deal with because it’s like a death in the family, but knowing we are not alone helps. The loss of a son is never easy to deal with and it is something that you never fully get over.

I’ve come up with a five-stage separation process that DILFH goes through to separate you from your son and grandchildren:

Stage One

This first stage should be called, laying the groundwork. You think everything is fine and you are completely unaware that the ultimate goal of the DILFH is to separate your son from his family and friends. After all, brainwashing takes time and your son has to be convinced that he had the worse parents and upbringing in the world. She will start by tell him that his sister or brother was really the favorite in the family. She will make him think that he was picked on or didn’t have what his friends had. At this point, anything that your son brings up is used as a weapon to convince him of the terrible family he has.

Stage Two

You will start to see less of your son. The DILFH will not let him out of her sight and will follow his every move. If he had friends, he doesn’t now. The only friends he has now are her friends. He is now seeing her family more than he sees his and if you call him, you are calling too much, and if you don’t, you don’t care or are not interested in whatever it is that they are doing. At this stage, you may start to see some anger toward you from your DIL. Your son doesn’t speak up to defend you because he now is starting to see things through her eyes. Maybe she is right and you, the son’s parents, really are bad.

Stage Three

This is where you are confronted with the issue; it’s the all out, knock down fight, or the call in the middle of the night telling you how bad you are. She has finally convinced your son that you are no good and you hate her. Even though you have done everything you can think of to get on her good side nothing you do is right. You know her likes and dislikes, yet you continue to do things that she doesn’t like. At this stage, you are walking on eggshells and anything you do is criticized.

Stage Four

You feel like you’re the worse parents in the world. She has finally convinced you that you are the problem. You feel so bad and the guilt is overwhelming. You are probably grandparents at this stage and not only has your DIL alienated your son from you, you are starting to see the same thing happening with your grandchildren. By this time, if your son had siblings, they and their families are no longer speaking to your son and DIL. You are just hanging on because you really want to be a part of your grandchildren’s lives.

Stage Five

Your DIL has finally convinced your son that they need to move. She may use the excuse that jobs or schools are better in the new location. Her ultimate goal to have your son all to herself has almost been realized and she is just waiting to deliver the final blow. Any and everything you do or don’t do will be use as ammunition to deliver the deathblow, i.e. complete separation.

If you have a DILFH, please know that you are not alone and it is not your fault. It has taken a long time and we are still not over the pain. Reconciliation is probably not an option if you have gone through all five stages. You may have even gone through Stage Three a number of times at this point. I suppose that some type of family counseling may help. If anyone has gone through this type of problem and has sought counseling, I would love to hear the outcome.

Larry